he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
