Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
