I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
