Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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