i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
