My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Randomize
