I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?
jesus mom
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Randomize
