I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
