I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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