I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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