Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
