you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
