Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
