best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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