i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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