He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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