I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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