I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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