Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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