At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Randomize
