i just sent this text using only my big toe
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
