how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
