I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I just googled if crying burns calories
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
