mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
