Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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