So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
