i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
