my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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