drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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