Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
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