She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
