I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I puked a lego.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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