If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
