Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Randomize
