I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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