Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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