So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
