Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Randomize
