did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
