OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
