My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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