I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
