Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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