I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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