My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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