they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
