Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
