The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
You had me at "let me see your balls"
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
