One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
