True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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